


Even SEALS Masturbate

by FlyBoy



Series: McGarrett's Manual of Masturbation [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-18
Updated: 2011-09-18
Packaged: 2017-10-23 20:36:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/254720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyBoy/pseuds/FlyBoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few beers in a bar after a tiring week can lead to some strange conversations!  This is just for fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even SEALS Masturbate

The hour was getting late and Danny was getting tired. No, actually, he was way past tired. He should have been in bed and asleep an hour ago. Had he actually been less tired he probably wouldn't have said what he did as he bid Steve good night.

"I've got to get to bed," Danny explained when Steve asked where he was going.

"The night's still young," Steve complained.

"That may be, but I'm not anymore. I'm tired. I'm going home and go to bed."

"You going straight to bed, Danno?"

"Yes, Steven, I'm going straight to bed and straight to sleep. No extracurricular activities tonight."

"Huh?" Steve said, seemingly confused by his partner's last statement.

"No cheap date tonight."

"Huh?" Steve said again.

"McGarrett! Why are you suddenly being so dense?"

"Danny, I don't have a clue what you're saying."

"You know. No date with Rosy Palm. No date with Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters. No adjusting the antenna tonight. No batting practice. No badgering the witness. No arguing with Henry Longfellow." Danny gave Steve one of his patented looks of disbelief.

Steve had a blank look on his face.

"Masturbation, McGarrett! Masturbation! Masturbation!" Danny complained loudly, shaking his hands in frustration at his partner. "Even SEALS must masturbate."

Danny could have sworn that McGarrett blushed. After averting his eyes and checking to see who was around them that could possibly overhear their conversation, Steve said, "Sure. SEALS masturbate. All men masturbate."

"SEALS do. Do you? 98% of American men report that they masturbate. If you don't, if you're in that 2% who doesn't, then that could explain why you're always wound so tight. You need to pop your cork once in awhile."

That time Danny was convinced that his friend did blush.

"Don't you think that's a rather personal question?" Steve asked quietly.

"Steven, men have been masturbating since … well, since there have been men. It's one of my favorite solitary activities, actually. I bet that every man in this bar masturbates occasionally," he said, gesturing to the packed house. "And if they don't masturbate, I can guarantee that they're thinking about masturbating. Who doesn't like being your own best friend, booting up the hard drive, buffing the banana, …"

Steve once again checked the area around them to make sure no one was able to overhear. "Danny! Where are you getting these?"

"You can't tell me you haven't heard some of the thousands of phrases men have to describe masturbation! I've been hearing some of these since before I knew what masturbation was! You were a sailor! Sailors must have just as many if not more!"

Danny looked at his friend for a moment before continuing. "Choking the chicken." No response. "Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come." Still no response. "Churning your own butter."

McGarrett nodded his head before hesitantly offering one that he had heard guys use over the years. "Coming to grips with the situation."

"Cranking the love pump."

"Cranking the love pump?" McGarrett asked incredulously.

"Yeah, sure. Doin' a loner with your boner."

"Flicking your Bic."

"Oh, good one," Danny said. "You see? You do know some of the euphemisms for man's favorite pastime."

"Freeing Willy," Steve countered.

"Getting a grip on things."

"Giving the seamen shore leave."

"How very nautical of you, McGarrett." He thought for a moment before adding, "Walking the dog."

"Flogging the log," Steve offered.

"Getting a load off your mind."

"Hand to gland combat."

"What is it with you and these nautical, combat images of one of man's best activities?"

"Minding my own business."

"Oh, good one."

"Thank you," Steve said. "Jack hammering."

"Again with the violent overtures." Danny thought for a moment. "Manual override."

Steve: "Pumping gas at the self-service island."

Danny: "One man orgy."

Steve: "Manning the cockpit."

Danny: "Giving yourself a hand."

Steve: "Getting a load off my mind."

Danny: "I already said that one. Practicing for the big game."

Steve: "One gun salute."

Danny: "Making like Han Solo and stroking your wookie."

Steve: "One hand clapping."

Danny: "Popping your top."

Steve: "Polishing the hot rod."

Danny: "Test firing the missile."

Steve: "Debugging your hard drive."

Danny: "Answering the Bone-a-Phone."

Steve: "Fisting your Mister."

Danny: "Getting in touch with your manhood."

Steve: "Giving your employee a raise."

Danny: "Spending some quality time with myself."

Steve: "Shaking the hand of the self-employed."

Danny: "One man tug of war."

Steve: "Five digit disco."

Danny: "Firing the photon torpedoes."

Steve: "Riding the one-eyed wonder horse."

Danny: "Jerking your Gherkin."

Steve: "Pounding the pepperoni."

Danny: "Cleaning the Canoli."

Steve: "Wrist aerobics."

Danny: "Tango con mano."

Steve: "Tickling your Elmo."

Danny: "Getting some air nookie."

Steve: "Paddling your own canoe."

Danny: "Tickling my fancy."

Steve: "Beta testing your hardware."

Danny: "Seriously? Am I supposed to know what that means?" He paused. "Twiddle mah diddle."

Steve: "Milking Super Mario."

Danny: "Slapping the salami."

Steve: "Synching your handheld."

Danny: "Getting trigger happy."

Steve: "Double clicking the mouse."

Danny: "Scratch the itch."

Steve: "Running a solo marathon."

Danny: "Playing Uno."

Steve: "Manual labor."

Danny: "Manipulate the midget."

Steve: "Digital penile oscillation."

Danny: "Oh, that's just bad!" Danny complained. "Discovering your own potential."

Steve: "Making the bald man cry."

Danny: "Play five on one."

Steve: "Scour the tower of power."

Danny: "Self-actualization."

Steve: "Self-actualization? Really?"

Danny: "Do you think I'm sitting here making this stuff up?"

Steve: "Sometimes I wonder. Lengthening your slide rule."

Danny: "Petting the puppy."

Steve: "Playing ping pong with your ding dong."

"Ok. That's it," Danny said. "I'm tired and as I said half an hour ago, I'm going home."

"You're stopping now?! There must be hundreds more, Danno!" Steve complained, wanting to continue this fun, new game.

"Hundreds? No. Thousands! And a few minutes ago you didn't know what I was talking about! And now you want more!" Danny complained. "Well, they can wait until another day. It'll give you something to look forward to. Good night!"

"Yeah, but this is a major discovery! We're on the verge of something great here!"

"We're on the verge of me falling asleep here!"

"We need to write this stuff down! This is good stuff." Steve said excitedly.

"Sure, Steve. I always love talking about playing with myself with my boss."

Steve gave Danny one of his patentable smiles. "Night, Danno. Get some sleep man. Tomorrow we'll continue with Steve and Danno's Masturbation Manual."

Both men walked away with a smile even if they were both too tired to do anything related to masturbation other than talk about it.

**Author's Note:**

> Who knew that there were so many euphemisms for male masturbation!


End file.
